Two months ago, I set out to purchase a bike. Being short on cash, I decided to try a cheapo mountain bike from Wal-mart. Total price after tax: 85 bucks. Three hours of assembly, one brakeless ride, and one flat tire later (though I never ran over anything), I took the bike back to Wal-mart, sad, but determined to find a suitable replacement. Score one point for Wal-mart for not questioning my return, and politely giving me my money back. But needless to say I wasn’t too happy.

Frazzled and baking in the Panorama City sun, I whipped out my GPS to find the nearest Target store, where I was certain to find a slightly pricier, but better quality replacement. An hour later, I walked out of the Pacoima Target store, fancy tri-ax mountain bike in hand…. and fully assembled! Total price, after tax: 150 bucks.

Took her out for her maiden voyage, and came back happy. A nice couple miles, back and forth along the LA River Bikeway, and nary a problem. A slight adjustment to the deraileur was all it needed. I was pretty certain I had made a good purchase. So I took her home, anxious to make another ride the following weekend.

But just as before, one week later I had two flat tires, and no explanation.

I threw my hands up in the air (and waved them like I just didn’t care), and took the bike back to Target – though this time in West Hollywood, close to my house. Surely they’d take it back without any hassle.

Nope. Think again.

David, the extremely polite and friendly guest services rep informed me that they don’t take back bicycles, but that the Pacoima location where I bought it might have a better return policy. So I asked him to call the Pacoima location, which he did. They said no, they won’t return bikes either, but they’ll gladly make adjustments to any pieces that aren’t working. After informing him that you can’t really adjust a flat tire, he started towing the company line: no bike returns.

Only one problem here: I’m pretty good at reading, and the return policy doesn’t state anywhere that I can’t return this bicycle. See for yourself:

So David called over the assistant manager. A young guy named Henry, who clearly had worked his tuchas off to reach this exalted position, restated that they don’t return bikes, and that the return policy says so. “Oh really?” I say. “Please show me where.” Confused, but certain that he was correct, he asks me to wait while he goes and prints a copy of the return policy.

And there I stand, patiently, for about ten minutes. I took that opportunity to peruse the Target.com website on my Blackberry, where it clearly restates the return policy. Note: no mention of bicycles.

Ten minutes later, still throwing my hands up in the air and waving them like I seriously don’t care, Henry returns with his boss, a nice lady whose name I can’t recall, so I’ll just call her “The Manager.” Oh, and he brought this, a printed copy of the section in the Target return policy that says they don’t return bikes:

The Manager, who tells me she’s a biker as well, says that she understands how unhappy this probably makes me, but that the return policy clearly states “Other restrictions may apply.” So I ask for some clarification, to which she says she’ll go consult with some of “her peers” to determine some kind of remediation. Now I haven’t ever worked at a Target store, but if I’m not mistaken, The Manager doesn’t really have any peers, at least not any that could make a decision better than her. I could be wrong about this, but everything I know about corporate hierarchy tells me this is the case.

So there I sit, and wait some more. But as before, it turns out I can read! Not only that, but I know a thing or two about the intarnetwebz. You see, while I was perusing the Target site with my Blackberry, I couldn’t find any magical linkage to the “Other restrictions” section of the website. And as it turns out, there isn’t one. No really, go look for yourself. That page above isn’t available anywhere. Then I noticed that the URL was printed at the bottom: http://insidetgt.target.com

Sure enough, it’s on an intranet:

When The Manager returned, I pointed this out to her. I also pointed out that an alternate version of the return policy is not available anywhere in the store. I also pointed out that me, the customer, the person who just bought a bike at Target, would never be able to access any return policy that states that bicycles are not allowed to be returned. Knowing full well that she has no real way around this argument, she relented in giving me store credit.

Sigh.

I fully plan on making this known to Target corporate customer service, but for the time being, please take my advice when I say that buying a bike at Target is a poor idea. Not just because their bikes suck, but because their customer service is garbage, and their return policy is at best misleading and at worse fraudulent.

Oh, two fun sidenotes:
1. On seeing a guy about to purchase a bike, I informed him of what had just happened to me. It may not have changed his mind, but at least it made me feel better.
2. When I snapped that photo of the return policy with my phone, David, the pleasant customer service guy, freaked out. “Did you just take a picture of me??” he said. To which I responded: “No. Should I have?” I mean it when I say that he did a complete Jekyll & Hyde on me, his personality changed instantaneously when he realized I had the power to report him.

Moral of the story: the customer is always right, and if some asshole customer service people try to tell you otherwise, tell them where they can stick it.